I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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