If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
