All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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