Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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