just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
