The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
