how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
