Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
