I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
