I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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