i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
