If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
