she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
