I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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