not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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