i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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