if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
