The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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