My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
