i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
