A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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