god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
