No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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