A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
