If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
