there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
