The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
