I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
