toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you would pick up someone in the library
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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