1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
