member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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