i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
