guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
