The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
