chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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