How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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