If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
