I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
