can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
