I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
