Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
