No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
