Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
