I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
