dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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