fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
