6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize