I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
