I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
