Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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