why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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