Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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