Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize