I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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