im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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