im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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