the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
