the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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